This one Could be inappropriate. . .

Thank GOODNESS Ash censors herself:


From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com
To: stephen’s email
Subject: What the F*CK?

You have a moving party WITHOUT Me?!?
Thanks. Thanks for choosing me last.
No wait- not even choosing me.
If this were dodge ball, i wouldn't have even made it into the circle to play.
You're right amber + di are much better for the job; just look at their arms...

Maybe this is too mature for our younger readers

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com
To: Me
Subject: Re: Possible winter vacation?


Grape Bay Beach Hotel?
there's a reason it's only $49....
they have the word 'rape' in their title!!!!!!
Then again, sun is sun when you're cold- no matter where you're staying.
F-that.
F-them
F-money.
I wanna go too.

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com:

So, I'll be catching the movie coming from work.
The catch: I can't go to X in my silk pink dress collar+pearls...
U got boys jeans, or olsen twin homeless dress i could borrow to blend in?

[signed]
- norape2dayThanku
rack of lamb (and by lamb I mean Ashley) is not a Friday night special.
Saturday-maybe.
that's the leg'oAshley or rack'oAshley special. pre fixe.

Hey guys, anyone ever get a 'card' from Ash?

When Ash and I were divvying up responsibilities of who should buy what for our friend's gift:

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com

Subject: Gift

ME-ow.
i get card.
and by card i mean
lick on the face.

Another VIntage Gem:

From: Ash's EMAIL@aol.com

Hello Ladies of Amber's Personal Forum~!

So, today's topics include:

a) johnny-florida- what's up w/ that?
b) di-chicago-amber- what did they Really Do that 24hrs??...
c) cats larger than babies; better for world population or worse?

GO!

-Ashley

Hey guys, guess who goes to Hives' concerts?

People from Long Island and New Jersey.
And Ash and me.

This is what I get for not seeing them in Brooklyn.
I should have known -- Terminal 5 was so far west it might as well have been on the wrong side of the Hudson.
I know, I know you warned me when they collaborated with Timbaland but I didn't listen.
And the touring with Maroon 5 was clearly a foreshadowing of the group I'd be able to expect to see here.
(have I managed to offend yet?)


Oh the price I pay to see an incarnate of 1968 Mick Jagger:



What!?
I'm obviously referring to Jagger-the-talent who wrote 1968's "Sympathy for the Devil"



plus it doesn't hurt that he looked like this:

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com

Subject: Re: Rufus Wainwright at Gramercy Theatre

I'm in like a blazer on skin.

(that would be rufus' wardrobe of choice)

-Ashley

OK, this one is going to get me in trouble. . . .

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com
Subject: New Rule
I am not aloud to buy babka...
ever.
-lindsaylohan/britney-ing myself into Promises

Hey, who Doesn't love this guy?

I mean like REALLY love him?

Ash and I met Richard Simmons once in the LV airport (in the 90s) - he had no luggage or camera crew and was wearing his trademark striped shorts so we figured he was just there to spread joy.


But what I really want to talk abou t (other than my sis) is Sweatin' to the Oldies.

No! Not this kind

Why on Earth would you think of that?


I mean the kind of sweating developed by Bikram Choudhury (but I can see where you'd get confused b/c that was developed in the '60s too). I took my first class yesterday and don't know if I want to punch Di for taking me or kiss her feet for changing my life. You understand, right?

Last night I guess I was so out of it I called my sister at 1:30-ish and don't really remember. I fear for what I did/ said to my roommates.


So last week I asked Ash where I could get a sports top that would let me sweat like a pig just for Bikram. If you know her you know she Nevah Evah talks about her history as a track star, so this is her trying to get her point across:

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com

Skip champion or hanes in that case.
Go w/ black don't- even- know- it's- there- soft- as- bunnies- on- my- shoulders- Underarmour.
sorry, it's not spagetti strap. Just pure 100%stealth (if you've seen the commercials)
i'm sure there are cuter out there.
That's just my division I, All-Ivy, All-Time Harvard List (4x) Captain of the Oxford-Cambridge vs. Harvard-Yale Tour opinion.

Hey someone has a birthday this month. . .

OK, everyone we know has a birthday this month but I'm talking about my little sis' ("sí, mi hermana").

AND she has a gig on the 26th (Sullivan Hall - go there) so in honor of her I thought I'd share with you all how funny she is.

She would kill me if she knew I was doing this, Thank GOODNESS she doesn't read my blog. . . so I can do whatever the heck I like (no, I'm not bitter).

Here are a few responses to one of THOSE emails (she made up her own questions at the end).

2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Ashley Virginia kicka$# 1st (it's not cussing if it's oneword)
3. Nicknames: Scratchers, Monkey, Mambiano, Mambo, Sexy/ Mama depending on construction site
13. Croutons or bacon bits: BACON! It's BACON! Bacon-bacon-bacon...
20. Disney or Warner Brothers: U think I go to "Warner Bros on Ice" on Christmas Day? no!
21. Favorite Fast Food: chocolate
24. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email? Funny as poop Alisa
26. What do you do most often when you are bored: Ask amber to change song.
29. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond: I don’t want anyone to feel awkward. Let's just say, there's a 50% chance karisa/50%clara
31. Favorite TV shows: A.D., OC, Conan, ANTM, Will & Hag
33. Your car: New York=New car: Silver Bullet i pay to have schaeffer me+ my closet 1000 friends, who all chip in to pay for the ride. some of them even sleep in it.
46: 2nd Career your sister would secretly love to pursue: pole dancer, go-go dancer(amber). Alisa: she already gots a 2nd,&3rd,&4th...she just calls them "hobbies"
47: Secret talent your sister has: counts like Rainman, does %s in her head faster than anyone.
48. Best use of breaking the sabbath: FF [note: author is referring to a band]
or ritz carlton brunch- either one,
both equally satiating,
with opposite effects on the waistline.



This isn't even the half of it . . . Oh yeah, there's more to come.

Hey, you don't have to tell ME twice...

Hey who likes to read?

First of all, who knew THIS could happen?




Second, do you know what freaks me out? Falling asleep. It's kind of scary - your body shutting off for an undetermined amount of time? The scariest part is right Right before you pass out - I always get stressed out and wake myself up. Also - I always try to

remember how I woke up - was I in the same place as when I fell asleep? and I never remember - that's crazy! So my cure is to stay up really late (usually after 1:30AM) so when I do sleep its quick and painless b/c i'm so exhausted.



Third, why do I feel like I need to apologize for liking Kasabian? If I was a fan of mid-90s britpop wouldn't my logical next step for the 21st c. be someone like them? Who cares that those boys slag people off and are pretty to look at (wait - I think I do) I like their music.

Remember when I saw Ian Brown live and after every song he'd clap really hard over his head for himself? Every time he did that I thought the set was over - seriously, he tricked me like 5 times. Kasabian live remind me of that show.



Fourth, you know what REALLY freaks me out? Forget falling asleep - TIME. Time freaks me out. I have to not think about it or it hurts my

fragile brain. So, it's part of the measuring system - OK it starts off normal enough but then you think - it measures something that you can never take back. I'm thinking more along the line of Newton (it's a dimension. wait, what?!) more than Kant (what do you know, Kant? don't try to place limits on my reason and don't patronize my belief in the Afterlife). Let's not get into it - it's like Alvy Singer realizing the universe is expanding - what business is that of mine? None, right? Right?

Whatever - work had dried mango in the caf so I'm happy no matter what.

Hey guys, I'm passionate about this girl...

...What?! i am
this is my Persian Princess, Bek.
OK she doesn't really look like this
but she IS hilarious like this




She really looks like this:

This is her in China
She's always going to China - she loves to go to China.
Hey Bek, what are you doing today?
Oh, just going to China

Huh, ever thought of inviting Me sometime?
Never mind. I don't want to go - I'd probably get communist fever or something.


You know, I have a lot of Persian friends and they're all beautiful - I mean funny - I mean kind. OK, fine - I'm really superficial when it comes to choosing my friends (think about it - you're all good looking). But what I really want is to celebrate Sizdah (oh man! I'm 6 weeks too late) - who doesn't want a holiday where you spent time in a natural environment and "jaunt till night". Just tell me when I start getting offensive. . .

OK guys, I have a question:

Remember when I ran a 10 (yeah that's right TEN!) K sans training?
Well do you think I could repeat that again this year?
Only this time it'd be on a bike
For 42
Miles
. . . ?

Then I'll go wrestle this guy:


(just don't call it a resolution)

When I was an intern in Boston I had one friend (little Monkey)


But little Monkey had to go set track records at Harvard sometimes so I did spend a lot of time alone.

For Easter my family flew out to visit:

That's right, Plymouth, MA to see the Pilgrim village.

Turns out the village was closed in the Winter but the Pilgrim Museum was open.
When I heard there were wax figures in the museum telling the story of how we stole America (don't get all excited, I'm not getting into that) I refused to go in. You all know how I feel about these guys:


But my dad bribed me with a bet. If I took the wax figure tour and read the plaques which coincide with each scene and answered one question about it correctly, he'd fly out one friend to visit me for a weekend. And me being so lonely, I agreed. But our dad once tricked Ash and I to watch this

on an airplane because HE wanted to watch it but was too embarrassed to watch it alone. He told us he would give us EACH 1 C-Note if we watched it all the way through and answered ONE simple question about the film. So we eagerly watch a dog movie thinking we're so smart and then the one question was: which national park was that stupid movie filmed in... We didn't watch the credits! Blah! Turns out it was Glacier National Park and I'll NEVER forget/ forgive it.

Remembering this painful story I took the wax figure tour very seriously.

Which became painful for obvious reasons.

I even started counting how many figures were in each scene in case it was a trick question.

Did you know those lame pilgrims brought cats over from England? One was a kitten and it made it all the way to stupid America.
Guess the cat's name?
Oh, that's OK, I didn't know it either but that was the question.
Who names a kitten 'Barnacle?'

In order to cheer me up, when we were in the Pilgrim museum gift shop my dad offered to buy me a replica of 'Barnacle.' I said OK only if he bought me a Pilgrim hat. Then he said he would only if I wore it that day. I think to his horror I DID wear it all day (and to this day on every Thanksgiving)

-- and someone even thought I was Amish.

After that my dad would bring an occasional present for Barnacle - like a cat bed or mouse toy. When my friend Shell met Barnacle she would pet him while she watched TV. Argh!

In the end, though that cat isn't so bad and I take him to every apartment I'm in.
And that's the story with my fake cat that looks stuffed.

Hey who wants to be political . . .

I think if people insist on choosing sides over having unwanted babies or killing babies we should label them as:
Pro-Abortion and Anti-Choice.

And if you do take one side do people wear T-shirts with their chosen slogan?
Or is that just in movies?
Cause wouldn't it be funny if someone wore a shirt that said: I'm Pro-terminating your pregnancy!
Or: I want to take away your agency!

As you can see, I've clearly been thinking a lot about "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

I've already picked out a family in New Mexico who I'd give MY unwanted baby to.


P.S. Mich just suggested you call it Anti-Life or Anti-Choice

Hey guys, Di and I made a commercial

Our Coffee. . .


You'll feel relaxed from the sip


Because we use so little caffeine


In fact we use negative caffeine


Ha! Goodnight