guess where I am?

OK - I'll give you awesome clues and whoever guesses correctly will get $1 (USD) or £1 (GBP) . . .or another prize to be determined by Me at a later date.



(oh come on! this is art - this is amazing stuff!)



(brother/sister duo? or something much much more complicated? i don't even know)

OK, let's talk about some really important things:

If you go to iTunes and write reviews on Ashley 1st I'll probably be the happiest shark-hater ever born. Think of it as the best Christmas present anyone could ever give to anyone ever (way better than anything you'd see on Gossip Girl).

I hope you guys don't read this silly blog and think: hey, this girl is OK, than meet me and think, "wha? this is NOTHING like the posts I read..." And THEN think: man, i don't like either of you. And vice-versa (IE: meet me, read this, than hate us both or even just hate us both right off the bat - although that seems more reasonalbe since I think we're actually the same person). And yes, I realize my punctuation is insonsistant - deal with it.

But on a lighter, happier note (I'm really not in a bad mood - it just seems that way when I write things when I'm annoyed and tired and grumpy). . . I wrote my new year's resolutions and all I can say is, this is IT - this is the big year we've all been waiting for... I'm going to teach myself to do the splits. [Note: this blog began when I told my sister about a friend's blog that would document her trying to do the splits - little by little everyday. My inspired sister suggested I create one that showed me NOT doing the splits little by little ...so now I'm just going to practice doing them privately everyday.]

And finally, Merry Christmas!

Guys, no babies for me. . .

. . .I just found out there's no more cuteness left in the world, thanks to this little lassy who stole it!


No point now, because I do NOT want a homely baby. No one likes 'em really - even if they pretend to - and I Know I won't be having no affable babies because I don't like people myself. [Note: if you have a gosh-awful ugly baby and it's got a really good personality, then all if forgiven and your baby might out-importance the cute kid down the street.] Darn it, I was really looking forwarding to procreating - guess I'll have to find something else to do with my time. . . snow shoe-ing anyone?

What? It's just barbeque sauce. . .

. . . C'Mon I wanna make out.






You know, I realize if you haven't seen "Wet Hot American Summer," than this precious little quote will be lost on you. But, I'm willing to take that chance. And if you've never heard of "Wet Hot..." and you judge it based on the name alone than you are an even greater fool than I once thought.

Hey guys, let's get nostalgic. . .

It was this time last year that Di and I went to help this guy at work:




Except he looked like this:

Whhaaaaat?! How could someone age like that in 1 year? Never mind, he did.



He's a teacher. He teaches cute kids like these (but actually this kid is cuter than normal kids).




These are the names of the kids he teaches. . .




We were probably the greatest helpers of all time:

(i can tell time)


(di can read too)



Highlights from his room:



. . .and i wonder if Mr. F. would get his feelings hurt when kids would use their $$$ for 2 or 3 books at a time from the library?




At first Di & I were surprised at how often Mr. F would raise his voice (I was genuinely scared of him at times) but at the end of the day I caught myself yelling, "get in your seat, you!" and "stop that right now, you!" (the names were too hard for me to learn). Who knew teaching could be so emotionally exhausting and sticky? Those kids were so gosh darn dirty, I think they wash their hands in syrup.

This is what happens when Ashley throws you a party:

Hey guys did you know that Chicago LOVES me?

That gosh darn city loves me so much it kept Di and I there for oh, about 24 hours, and about 21 of those hours were my birthday.

I mean it was really an adventure really. One that involved a gosh darn high school marching band, 2 broken planes, LaGuardia winning the most inefficient airport of all time, United Airlines making Taca Airlines look like the friggin' Concorde, $3 food voucher (in an airport), O'Hare living up to its nightmare reputation and a dinosaur.



I'd say the meanest thing I heard was a Untied airlines employee announcing to the long line of disgruntled passengers, "Unless I call your name I don't want to talk to you. . ." But then an employee at Hudson News told me there was a TCBY in Terminal C and after the 10 minute walk there I was told it was actually in Terminal 2 and I didn't have time to get my precious (and the Country's Precious) Yogurt. Jerks!

Then we jumped...

This is a photo where Di and I look more like our real age - 20.

Hey, guess how old we are?

Don't we look 12? Yeah, we're 30 (almost)

Hey, did I not Say there was dancing?

How awesome that my L.A. sister & niece flew out just to dance?




My niece is the besteset. She's not used to marathon dancing like her old auntie. Now, at what point are you going to believe me when I say, "This was the happiest night of my life."?

Tell me when it's too much. . .

. . . just kidding, I don't care.

Here's some family shots:


I wanted to do one where Allyson looks pretty, because she was a beautiful Mother of the Bride.



And here's Mich's sister, Charlotte and Mich (in her wedding present dress, well done Niall).



The Clark brothers all wore kilts and did you know they're big like bears? They even scratch their backs like bears (ask Mich about this one).



No but seriously, how perfect that Mich had another dress that wouldn't hinder any dance moves... and oh there was a lot of dancing.






Please look at Jo (mustard-colored dress) - how awesome is she? I told you there was dancing!

I'm taking a wedding break. . . .

For Halloween!
The Real Halloween.


"Ashes"



"Kitty wants some candy."














It's funny because it's true.

Le Wedding, part 2: things I poached

I took these from innocent flickr friends:



I think everyone was thinking,"who knew Niall was so deeply romantic and sensitive..." But I knew all along of course. Seriously, I think we were all in tears after this.





You know the best part? she Always looks like this (IE really good).

Le Wedding, part 1

If i could have a million photos from this day it still wouldn't be enough. You know when your first baby is born and you're crazy busy giving birth and being worried that it won't be pretty enough and everyone will be like: blah, that's the best your DNA could do? But then a few weeks later you see photos and you're like: hey my baby is kind of cute to me I want a million photos of this baby... well, that's how I felt. But in this case the part-Me-DNA-life-form is the reception NOT the hot couple (as you can see below - they didn't need any of my help at being pretty)




The red-eye effect was done intentionally to show the supressed wicked nature of the couple and by 'wicked' I mean wicked-awesome.






Remember when Modern Bride turned their noses at my "White Stripes" cake b/c "No one would want that. . . " Well look what happens when I get my way. . . Awesome-ness!






What? This is allowed - I looked it up.

A hint of what's to come. . . .

Sometimes it's hard to take me seriously when I say, "this is the happiest day of my life. . . " - but not on this day.






Is that a double negative? Does that confuse people? I know it caused a whole mess of trouble on the last episode of "It's Always Sunny..."

Do you know my Halloween dream costume?

I haven't done it yet b/c it requires I have a child and preferably a boy so I don't emotionally mess up my little girl. . . But I wear an empire-style, early 19th c. dress and I dress my boy as a mini French (don't argue, even if he was born in Corsica that's still considered part of France) dictator and we're Josephine and Napoleon. Ideally he'll have black hair that I can gel back.
Does it smack too much of Buster and Lucille?





Here's Di and I doing our best Napoleon and Josephine impersonation.

I know, you all think I'm in love with Mich. . .

... and maybe I am, I mean come on! Look how pretty she is on her wedding day - in a track suit!



Mich and I had a long hypothetical conversation (Ashley calls them the Amber-questions and she means that in the least endearing way possible). . .How much would someone have to pay you a year to wear a track suit everyday. I think I said no amount of money and I think she said like £20,000 (although the £ goes a lot further than the $ it still didn't seem like that much).

Those crazy UK kids. . .

They call a bachlorette party a "Hen Night."





So naturally I got Mich cat ears b/c cats eat hens.

Who wants to see my Halloween costume?

I'm going to be "In the Navy!"










P.S.
Who knew the lyrics were so touching?

"Where can you find pleasure
Search the world for treasure
Learn science technology
Where can you begin to make your dreams all come true
On the land or on the sea
Where can you learn to fly
Play in sports and skin dive...
...In the navy
Can't you see we need a hand
In the navy
Come on, protect the motherland..."

You know what guys,

'Snakes on a Plane' just isn't a good idea if you watch it alone.

Who wants to meet A Simpson?

This Must be what I look like b/c Matt Groening never lies...

It's about that time...

Speaking of time, what am I going to do with mine after this weekend?