Guys, did I even tell you about our 2013 guests?

Of course not!  But I will starting . . . NOW

First We had the AMAZING Aunty Stacey.  

She won the kids over a little too fast and her last night here we found three little ones curled up on her twin bed.   

Aunty Stace fit right in with American Country Life:

And she did everyone's hair.

I mean Everyone's.  Well actually I asked for her to do my hair first.

 And she let the girlies torture/ beautify her.

 And she protected Annie from vicious dogs/ animals in general.

But she forgot to tell me to put a belt on which ruined this photo.  

So we asked her to leave.

Then Mimi and Popi came to town and took our fam 

to the finest establishments America has to offer.  

And Popi and Magic Man took the girlies swimmin' at their hotel after a light work out.

 Then we had A Monkey come to town and that was heaven.

She embroidered sequined initials on the girlies' stockings . . .

. . . And did Lil' Bear's hair like this,

And taught him why equality of gender roles at home is so important.  

Love that sister of mine!

I've decided something

It's cool that these guys didn't play MY SONG the second time I saw them this week



because



i got to dance on tables




i found this guy




my sister stopped wearing pants




i found NY's version of the Peppered Moth




once I was thinking how I wished I could get an invitation to the private garden at Rock Center - then a few hrs later the invite came.

This is true and if I didn't have psychics/ mystics/ spells in the family I would have been freaked out by it. Also it happened yesterday.



And finally my choreography for THIS is coming along quite nicely.

Ok guys, this post will be the death of me

Seriously, someone is going to kill me for this











But I mean, 'Come On!' how could I NOT share this?











You're Welcome

What? Where did March go?

Well if March was chocolate than you could say it went in Ash's tummy.


Hey, remember when she sang at the Knitting Factory?



That was my favorite outfit (lederhosen was a close 2nd)




Because she got to peal some of it off!



Come on!
Don't you think for this LAST post I had to do something like Bring Sexy Back?
Yeah, mission accomplished.

I'm pretty sure I can post these:

Ash at work:

FROM: Ash's EMAIL
TO: our family
Subject: *How well do you know your Ashley Quiz*?...

No math questions here kids- just multiple choice :
Boss just told me: File this until someone comes after us for it.
1. Where do i work?
a) the mafia
b) the post office
c) a political campaign
d) wall street
e) none of these- like i have a real job, COMPANY NAME is just something i made up, while i sit at home secretly collecting money off of selling amber's vogue collection in CA to mostly asian 'designers' (6yr old kids) or flamboyant antique collectors.






Ash asking for time off at work:

FROM: Ash's EMAIL
TO: Our Family
Subject: Houston We Have Lift Off...!

Guess who just got all 4 work days off needed for the Costa Rica/band tour!!

Of course,
showing up 5 mins early with smoothie for boss infront of his 10am client, in Vivienne Westwood power tie and button down pinstriped shirt had nothing to do with his decision i'm sure...
Gee, I hate undermining the bosses with such blatent subliminal subterfuge tactics.
Who thinks i cudda gone for 5days?
Wanna see 5?

-candyfrombaby

Hey, what's today anyway?

So remember what I said about Ash and sleeping on family vacations?
Well that goes DOUBLE for Saturday before noon.
And I'm walking with a limp to prove it.




(but i'll probably be in crutches if she sees this photo, but i'm a risk taker and this isn't one of her personal emails so there's no rule yet)

You mean it's STILL March?

oh man - Ash plays an awesome show at Sullivan Hall wearing lederhosen and my world turns upside down & I can't blog anymore...

and by my World Turning Upside Down I mean I tired and took one day off (uh oh, someone likes hyperboles).

but seriously - her show might have been the happiest night of my life. hey - who's this post about anyway? let's get back to Ash. did you know my mom braided my hair last night? and i wore it to work today. and it still looks great. but not as good as Ash. but better than Ash braided on top of my head.

Actually Monkey told me to write some of that. Did it sound like it came from me? I wonder if she took over for one day if you could tell (I smell a future satire coming on)? I pride myself on having a consistant voice.
That's a LIE but someone (Hi Sheri!) once told me that Le Blog had a consistant voice and that was the nicest thing anyone could ever tell me (sans hyperbole).

Hey guys, sometimes you get rewarded AND punished for things

So I had a secret mission - and I can't say too much, except that it weighed 5 lbs.
But the cool thing was - I was rewarded for my mission by stumbling upon a magazine I wanted but thought it was too late (en route) - and I can't tell you about the magazine, except that it weighed 3.5 lbs.
But then I realized that I had 8.5 added pounds to my already 7 lbs bag (I checked all these weights b/c I didn't want to exaggerate today).
And I'm not so good at Math but I am good at feeling pain and my weak arms suddenly hated me.

So, after this March Madness, I'm starting push-ups (which is like the worst punishment imaginable) -- then I'll be ready for March Madness '09. Go Bruins!



And can I say that I gave those people at Hershey Town Times Square USA a piece of my mind -- after 4 years of buying this stupid hunk of chocolate they STILL haven't invented a bag big enough to hold the only candy bar Ash excepts from me as a gift.
Really? All the $$$ you pump into your neon-lights outside and you can make a bag big enough to hold 5 lbs of chocolate? It can be out a recycled paper - I don't care!

Hey guys, guess who found my blog?

Turns out when Ash writes me an email she doesn't anticipate that i'll publish it on a blog?!
Can you BELIEVE that?
I mean, I feel like if you write something that makes me laugh out loud - than i HAVE to publish it (this is just a mini blog anyway).
I guess my little sister thinks when she writes me something it's between just the two of us . . . Madness!

I will respect the privacy of people's emails (from this day forward) -- unless they truly are a work of comedic genius.
Deal?!
Deal!
Hurray!

Happy Easter!

I hope you get to share it with the Liesel you love.



Once Liesel suggested we wear really 3" long plastic Nails to church on Super Bowl Sunday and paint them to coincide with each team's colors. Then after we bought everything she said she couldn't do it because she just got a manicure. So then Liesel's fun little 'suggestion' kind of turned into a dare and I volunteered Ash to finish it with me. You know what you can do when wearing fake 3" long nails? Oh, nothing. Including putting on a coat. We had to go to church wearing ponchos because we couldn't get our hands through our jackets.

Ash gets all political. . .

BACKGROUND: Our sister + Niece went to a Romney rally with signs and even got on TV (the night before he dropped out). Also I tried to give up chocolate for Lent - even though our family stopped being Catholic 50 years ago. Ash Really didn't approve of my 'sacrifice' b/c she gave up chocolate for Lent 8 years ago and never fully recovered. Ash was also getting impatient b/c her precious girl scout cookies hadn't arrived yet. If this email is offensive it's ALL Ash's fault.


From: ASH'S EMAIL

Subject: guess you heard

Romney's out.
Not to point fingers, but
Maybe if you made your signs sparkle a little bit more @lisa...
kidding.
i'm sure it's NIECE'S fault.
where's my cookies.
Lent that amber!-
If you give up chocolate no girl scout cookies.
Now stop being stupid, i mean catholic.

New Exciting Contest!

Anyone who flies from NY to LA to see Monkey at the Whiskey-A-Go-Go on May 3rd wins!




Looks like that 5 Boro Bike Tour is out (I didn't like 42 miles anyway -- too easy)

Here's a long one since I didn't post about Le Ash yesterday (you're so lucky, lucky, lucky)

Ash's email to Dad and I to prepare for our up-coming trip:



Pre-Surf Exercises To Do At Work:

1. Peddle Paddle! Work those little feetbunnies. Oh yes, those ankles/achilles and toes will be going through a mini marathon each day out to the waves. Start your paddling under your desks now!

2. Shoulder rolls. Oh yeah. You don't need Suzzanne Summers and a torn 1 shoulder-sweatshirt with purple headband bridling back a brigade of renegade teased bangs to give this a comeback. Everybody roll, roll, roll those shoulders (forwards + backwards) to loosen up the delts/rotar cuffs now.

3. Hot Chair! Put hands on either side of chair + lift bunda up. Alternate corners of chair hands are braced. Wrists/forearms need to be flexible for curling them in the "omigosh how big is that wave?" position around the corners of surfboard.

4. As you sit in chair: Put both feet flat on ground- pretend you're going to get up- STOP 4" into you actually standing up. Now keep typing/emailing, working, talking, working the quads, answering phones, working quads, etc. etc. Hold for as long as you can. Then know that I held it 10 seconds longer.
While making chuck norris cry (after beating him at arm wrestling). But it's ok, because now we can cure cancer w/ the tears.

5. Practice holding breath. Don't tell co-workers. See how long you can go w/out audible response. If they even start to infiltrate your secret lung training method- just point to throat + shake head No, like you've lost your voice. Never Surrender! And know this: I held it 10 seconds longer.

6. Dive on desk, clearing all debris w/ one arm swoop, incorporating all techniques from 1-5 and Stand!

7. Pick up papers/personals into box as boss just fired you.

-Drill Sgt.A1st

Your hamstrings,quadroceps,calves,metatarsels, plantar fasciitis, tibia fibula, ilio tibial, latissimus, oso soremus, trapezius, aci momamus, gluteus maximus, anterior cruciate ligaments, deltoids, triceps, lumbar, and pectorals will thank you later.
Amber guess which ones i made up.

Here's some advice. . .

Don't mess with Ash & naptime . . .





. . . even on family vacations





Especially on family vacations.

Don't worry, in Our family we do Birthday Month

So today Won't be the last Ash-inspired post.





Back story: I was perplexed over whether or not to spend $X to see a band I liked and I also wanted to know if Ash would want to go. THIS was our sage's response



From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com
To: ME

Subject: Re: Should I do concert tonight?!

$X - is that all?

ok, you go.

I'll just buy 2 H&M jackets; 1 to wear, 1 wipe myself with.

In honor of Tiny Kieren's birthday today & Ash

To: Me, Kieren & Stephen (If you even tell ME to read The Elements of Style I'll smack you)

From: Ash¹s EMAIL@aol.com

Why don't you
send those photos to someone so you can be the editor in chief of whatever you want,
Kieren send those photos to someone so you can be the muse to who ever you want
& Stephen send those photos to someone so you can shoot whoever you want?

Seriously, u 3 just fabricated a golden ticket to anything.
that's all.
Is that all u did this weekend?
(aka create a new element for the periodic table)

Hey, who likes to cook delicious foods?

I once asked all my friends to participate in an email recipe exchange (yeah, I did). Our darling Clara, ESQ. wrote:

From: Clara's EMAIL
To: ME

Ghetto Delight (politically correct name pending)

1 box graham crackers
1 tub store-bought frosting

lay half of the graham crackers flat side-up on freshly-washed counter.
smear frosting on them. cover frosting with other half of graham crackers,
flat side-down. enjoy!

note: for best results prepare at least two hours in advance to eliminate
excessive crunchiness.



I got many wonderful recipes like Clara's, but did you know Ash was the first person to respond with:

HERE'S ONE: cHOCOLATE + YOUR MOUTH+1 MASHMELLOW=YUMMY.
that counts, right?
xo,
-Ashley

Yeah, this IS inappropriate. . .

But I thought I'd slowly work into the scandelous/hilarious sense of humor that is my little Monkey sister. She's got crazy inside her and most people don't even know and she has the gift to make a 6 hr flight home the funniest thing since Charlie Kelly (I know since it happened last night).


From: Ash¹s EMAIL@aol.com
Subject: Pussy anyone?

I'm talking about the Pussy Cat Lounge you sickos!
My bass player is playing there next Tues. with his band
I thought it would be a nice chance for amber to go to a strip club
(as a patron this time)
Anyone else coming?

-Ashley

This one Could be inappropriate. . .

Thank GOODNESS Ash censors herself:


From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com
To: stephen’s email
Subject: What the F*CK?

You have a moving party WITHOUT Me?!?
Thanks. Thanks for choosing me last.
No wait- not even choosing me.
If this were dodge ball, i wouldn't have even made it into the circle to play.
You're right amber + di are much better for the job; just look at their arms...

Maybe this is too mature for our younger readers

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com
To: Me
Subject: Re: Possible winter vacation?


Grape Bay Beach Hotel?
there's a reason it's only $49....
they have the word 'rape' in their title!!!!!!
Then again, sun is sun when you're cold- no matter where you're staying.
F-that.
F-them
F-money.
I wanna go too.