Monday, March 31, 2008

What? Where did March go?

Well if March was chocolate than you could say it went in Ash's tummy.


Hey, remember when she sang at the Knitting Factory?



That was my favorite outfit (lederhosen was a close 2nd)




Because she got to peal some of it off!



Come on!
Don't you think for this LAST post I had to do something like Bring Sexy Back?
Yeah, mission accomplished.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

I'm pretty sure I can post these:

Ash at work:

FROM: Ash's EMAIL
TO: our family
Subject: *How well do you know your Ashley Quiz*?...

No math questions here kids- just multiple choice :
Boss just told me: File this until someone comes after us for it.
1. Where do i work?
a) the mafia
b) the post office
c) a political campaign
d) wall street
e) none of these- like i have a real job, COMPANY NAME is just something i made up, while i sit at home secretly collecting money off of selling amber's vogue collection in CA to mostly asian 'designers' (6yr old kids) or flamboyant antique collectors.






Ash asking for time off at work:

FROM: Ash's EMAIL
TO: Our Family
Subject: Houston We Have Lift Off...!

Guess who just got all 4 work days off needed for the Costa Rica/band tour!!

Of course,
showing up 5 mins early with smoothie for boss infront of his 10am client, in Vivienne Westwood power tie and button down pinstriped shirt had nothing to do with his decision i'm sure...
Gee, I hate undermining the bosses with such blatent subliminal subterfuge tactics.
Who thinks i cudda gone for 5days?
Wanna see 5?

-candyfrombaby

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Hey, what's today anyway?

So remember what I said about Ash and sleeping on family vacations?
Well that goes DOUBLE for Saturday before noon.
And I'm walking with a limp to prove it.




(but i'll probably be in crutches if she sees this photo, but i'm a risk taker and this isn't one of her personal emails so there's no rule yet)

Thursday, March 27, 2008

You mean it's STILL March?

oh man - Ash plays an awesome show at Sullivan Hall wearing lederhosen and my world turns upside down & I can't blog anymore...

and by my World Turning Upside Down I mean I tired and took one day off (uh oh, someone likes hyperboles).

but seriously - her show might have been the happiest night of my life. hey - who's this post about anyway? let's get back to Ash. did you know my mom braided my hair last night? and i wore it to work today. and it still looks great. but not as good as Ash. but better than Ash braided on top of my head.

Actually Monkey told me to write some of that. Did it sound like it came from me? I wonder if she took over for one day if you could tell (I smell a future satire coming on)? I pride myself on having a consistant voice.
That's a LIE but someone (Hi Sheri!) once told me that Le Blog had a consistant voice and that was the nicest thing anyone could ever tell me (sans hyperbole).

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Hey guys, sometimes you get rewarded AND punished for things

So I had a secret mission - and I can't say too much, except that it weighed 5 lbs.
But the cool thing was - I was rewarded for my mission by stumbling upon a magazine I wanted but thought it was too late (en route) - and I can't tell you about the magazine, except that it weighed 3.5 lbs.
But then I realized that I had 8.5 added pounds to my already 7 lbs bag (I checked all these weights b/c I didn't want to exaggerate today).
And I'm not so good at Math but I am good at feeling pain and my weak arms suddenly hated me.

So, after this March Madness, I'm starting push-ups (which is like the worst punishment imaginable) -- then I'll be ready for March Madness '09. Go Bruins!



And can I say that I gave those people at Hershey Town Times Square USA a piece of my mind -- after 4 years of buying this stupid hunk of chocolate they STILL haven't invented a bag big enough to hold the only candy bar Ash excepts from me as a gift.
Really? All the $$$ you pump into your neon-lights outside and you can make a bag big enough to hold 5 lbs of chocolate? It can be out a recycled paper - I don't care!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Hey guys, guess who found my blog?


Turns out when Ash writes me an email she doesn't anticipate that i'll publish it on a blog?!
Can you BELIEVE that?
I mean, I feel like if you write something that makes me laugh out loud - than i HAVE to publish it (this is just a mini blog anyway).
I guess my little sister thinks when she writes me something it's between just the two of us . . . Madness!

I will respect the privacy of people's emails (from this day forward) -- unless they truly are a work of comedic genius.
Deal?!
Deal!
Hurray!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Happy Easter!




I hope you get to share it with the Liesel you love.



Once Liesel suggested we wear really 3" long plastic Nails to church on Super Bowl Sunday and paint them to coincide with each team's colors. Then after we bought everything she said she couldn't do it because she just got a manicure. So then Liesel's fun little 'suggestion' kind of turned into a dare and I volunteered Ash to finish it with me. You know what you can do when wearing fake 3" long nails? Oh, nothing. Including putting on a coat. We had to go to church wearing ponchos because we couldn't get our hands through our jackets.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Ash gets all political. . .

BACKGROUND: Our sister + Niece went to a Romney rally with signs and even got on TV (the night before he dropped out). Also I tried to give up chocolate for Lent - even though our family stopped being Catholic 50 years ago. Ash Really didn't approve of my 'sacrifice' b/c she gave up chocolate for Lent 8 years ago and never fully recovered. Ash was also getting impatient b/c her precious girl scout cookies hadn't arrived yet. If this email is offensive it's ALL Ash's fault.


From: ASH'S EMAIL

Subject: guess you heard

Romney's out.
Not to point fingers, but
Maybe if you made your signs sparkle a little bit more @lisa...
kidding.
i'm sure it's NIECE'S fault.
where's my cookies.
Lent that amber!-
If you give up chocolate no girl scout cookies.
Now stop being stupid, i mean catholic.

Friday, March 21, 2008

New Exciting Contest!



Anyone who flies from NY to LA to see Monkey at the Whiskey-A-Go-Go on May 3rd wins!




Looks like that 5 Boro Bike Tour is out (I didn't like 42 miles anyway -- too easy)

Here's a long one since I didn't post about Le Ash yesterday (you're so lucky, lucky, lucky)

Ash's email to Dad and I to prepare for our up-coming trip:



Pre-Surf Exercises To Do At Work:

1. Peddle Paddle! Work those little feetbunnies. Oh yes, those ankles/achilles and toes will be going through a mini marathon each day out to the waves. Start your paddling under your desks now!

2. Shoulder rolls. Oh yeah. You don't need Suzzanne Summers and a torn 1 shoulder-sweatshirt with purple headband bridling back a brigade of renegade teased bangs to give this a comeback. Everybody roll, roll, roll those shoulders (forwards + backwards) to loosen up the delts/rotar cuffs now.

3. Hot Chair! Put hands on either side of chair + lift bunda up. Alternate corners of chair hands are braced. Wrists/forearms need to be flexible for curling them in the "omigosh how big is that wave?" position around the corners of surfboard.

4. As you sit in chair: Put both feet flat on ground- pretend you're going to get up- STOP 4" into you actually standing up. Now keep typing/emailing, working, talking, working the quads, answering phones, working quads, etc. etc. Hold for as long as you can. Then know that I held it 10 seconds longer.
While making chuck norris cry (after beating him at arm wrestling). But it's ok, because now we can cure cancer w/ the tears.

5. Practice holding breath. Don't tell co-workers. See how long you can go w/out audible response. If they even start to infiltrate your secret lung training method- just point to throat + shake head No, like you've lost your voice. Never Surrender! And know this: I held it 10 seconds longer.

6. Dive on desk, clearing all debris w/ one arm swoop, incorporating all techniques from 1-5 and Stand!

7. Pick up papers/personals into box as boss just fired you.

-Drill Sgt.A1st

Your hamstrings,quadroceps,calves,metatarsels, plantar fasciitis, tibia fibula, ilio tibial, latissimus, oso soremus, trapezius, aci momamus, gluteus maximus, anterior cruciate ligaments, deltoids, triceps, lumbar, and pectorals will thank you later.
Amber guess which ones i made up.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Here's some advice. . .

Don't mess with Ash & naptime . . .





. . . even on family vacations





Especially on family vacations.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Don't worry, in Our family we do Birthday Month

So today Won't be the last Ash-inspired post.





Back story: I was perplexed over whether or not to spend $X to see a band I liked and I also wanted to know if Ash would want to go. THIS was our sage's response



From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com
To: ME

Subject: Re: Should I do concert tonight?!

$X - is that all?

ok, you go.

I'll just buy 2 H&M jackets; 1 to wear, 1 wipe myself with.

Monday, March 17, 2008

In honor of Tiny Kieren's birthday today & Ash





To: Me, Kieren & Stephen (If you even tell ME to read The Elements of Style I'll smack you)

From: Ash¹s EMAIL@aol.com

Why don't you
send those photos to someone so you can be the editor in chief of whatever you want,
Kieren send those photos to someone so you can be the muse to who ever you want
& Stephen send those photos to someone so you can shoot whoever you want?

Seriously, u 3 just fabricated a golden ticket to anything.
that's all.
Is that all u did this weekend?
(aka create a new element for the periodic table)

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Hey guys, my sister can write Really good letters:





From: Ash¹s EMAIL@aol.com

Subject: To my #1 Friends

Dear Financial, Fashionable, Dental, Legal or Creative Leaders of the
Free World:

Thank you for your repeated loyal support of my band. I was just
compiling an album & thought it wouldn't hurt to ask if any of you by chance
had a pic or 2 to email...?
If nothing else, it was a great excuse to email all of you & say: Amber
talks in her sleep.
And last night she let out the most evil clever giggle i've ever heard.
Sorry, you may carry on running the influential circles in which you roll.

-Ashley



Saturday, March 15, 2008

Hey, who likes to cook delicious foods?

I once asked all my friends to participate in an email recipe exchange (yeah, I did). Our darling Clara, ESQ. wrote:

From: Clara's EMAIL
To: ME

Ghetto Delight (politically correct name pending)

1 box graham crackers
1 tub store-bought frosting

lay half of the graham crackers flat side-up on freshly-washed counter.
smear frosting on them. cover frosting with other half of graham crackers,
flat side-down. enjoy!

note: for best results prepare at least two hours in advance to eliminate
excessive crunchiness.



I got many wonderful recipes like Clara's, but did you know Ash was the first person to respond with:

HERE'S ONE: cHOCOLATE + YOUR MOUTH+1 MASHMELLOW=YUMMY.
that counts, right?
xo,
-Ashley

Friday, March 14, 2008

Yeah, this IS inappropriate. . .

But I thought I'd slowly work into the scandelous/hilarious sense of humor that is my little Monkey sister. She's got crazy inside her and most people don't even know and she has the gift to make a 6 hr flight home the funniest thing since Charlie Kelly (I know since it happened last night).


From: Ash¹s EMAIL@aol.com
Subject: Pussy anyone?

I'm talking about the Pussy Cat Lounge you sickos!
My bass player is playing there next Tues. with his band
I thought it would be a nice chance for amber to go to a strip club
(as a patron this time)
Anyone else coming?

-Ashley

Thursday, March 13, 2008

This one Could be inappropriate. . .

Thank GOODNESS Ash censors herself:


From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com
To: stephen’s email
Subject: What the F*CK?

You have a moving party WITHOUT Me?!?
Thanks. Thanks for choosing me last.
No wait- not even choosing me.
If this were dodge ball, i wouldn't have even made it into the circle to play.
You're right amber + di are much better for the job; just look at their arms...

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Maybe this is too mature for our younger readers

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com
To: Me
Subject: Re: Possible winter vacation?


Grape Bay Beach Hotel?
there's a reason it's only $49....
they have the word 'rape' in their title!!!!!!
Then again, sun is sun when you're cold- no matter where you're staying.
F-that.
F-them
F-money.
I wanna go too.


Tuesday, March 11, 2008

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com:

So, I'll be catching the movie coming from work.
The catch: I can't go to X in my silk pink dress collar+pearls...
U got boys jeans, or olsen twin homeless dress i could borrow to blend in?

[signed]
- norape2dayThanku
rack of lamb (and by lamb I mean Ashley) is not a Friday night special.
Saturday-maybe.
that's the leg'oAshley or rack'oAshley special. pre fixe.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Hey guys, anyone ever get a 'card' from Ash?

When Ash and I were divvying up responsibilities of who should buy what for our friend's gift:

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com

Subject: Gift

ME-ow.
i get card.
and by card i mean
lick on the face.



Sunday, March 9, 2008

Another VIntage Gem:

From: Ash's EMAIL@aol.com

Hello Ladies of Amber's Personal Forum~!

So, today's topics include:

a) johnny-florida- what's up w/ that?
b) di-chicago-amber- what did they Really Do that 24hrs??...
c) cats larger than babies; better for world population or worse?

GO!

-Ashley

Hey guys, guess who goes to Hives' concerts?



People from Long Island and New Jersey.
And Ash and me.

This is what I get for not seeing them in Brooklyn.
I should have known -- Terminal 5 was so far west it might as well have been on the wrong side of the Hudson.
I know, I know you warned me when they collaborated with Timbaland but I didn't listen.
And the touring with Maroon 5 was clearly a foreshadowing of the group I'd be able to expect to see here.
(have I managed to offend yet?)


Oh the price I pay to see an incarnate of 1968 Mick Jagger:



What!?
I'm obviously referring to Jagger-the-talent who wrote 1968's "Sympathy for the Devil"



plus it doesn't hurt that he looked like this:

Friday, March 7, 2008

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com

Subject: Re: Rufus Wainwright at Gramercy Theatre

I'm in like a blazer on skin.

(that would be rufus' wardrobe of choice)

-Ashley

Thursday, March 6, 2008

OK, this one is going to get me in trouble. . . .




From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com
Subject: New Rule
I am not aloud to buy babka...
ever.
-lindsaylohan/britney-ing myself into Promises

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Hey, who Doesn't love this guy?

I mean like REALLY love him?

Ash and I met Richard Simmons once in the LV airport (in the 90s) - he had no luggage or camera crew and was wearing his trademark striped shorts so we figured he was just there to spread joy.


But what I really want to talk abou t (other than my sis) is Sweatin' to the Oldies.

No! Not this kind

Why on Earth would you think of that?


I mean the kind of sweating developed by Bikram Choudhury (but I can see where you'd get confused b/c that was developed in the '60s too). I took my first class yesterday and don't know if I want to punch Di for taking me or kiss her feet for changing my life. You understand, right?

Last night I guess I was so out of it I called my sister at 1:30-ish and don't really remember. I fear for what I did/ said to my roommates.


So last week I asked Ash where I could get a sports top that would let me sweat like a pig just for Bikram. If you know her you know she Nevah Evah talks about her history as a track star, so this is her trying to get her point across:

From: Ash’s EMAIL@aol.com

Skip champion or hanes in that case.
Go w/ black don't- even- know- it's- there- soft- as- bunnies- on- my- shoulders- Underarmour.
sorry, it's not spagetti strap. Just pure 100%stealth (if you've seen the commercials)
i'm sure there are cuter out there.
That's just my division I, All-Ivy, All-Time Harvard List (4x) Captain of the Oxford-Cambridge vs. Harvard-Yale Tour opinion.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Hey someone has a birthday this month. . .

OK, everyone we know has a birthday this month but I'm talking about my little sis' ("sí, mi hermana").

AND she has a gig on the 26th (Sullivan Hall - go there) so in honor of her I thought I'd share with you all how funny she is.

She would kill me if she knew I was doing this, Thank GOODNESS she doesn't read my blog. . . so I can do whatever the heck I like (no, I'm not bitter).

Here are a few responses to one of THOSE emails (she made up her own questions at the end).

2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Ashley Virginia kicka$# 1st (it's not cussing if it's oneword)
3. Nicknames: Scratchers, Monkey, Mambiano, Mambo, Sexy/ Mama depending on construction site
13. Croutons or bacon bits: BACON! It's BACON! Bacon-bacon-bacon...
20. Disney or Warner Brothers: U think I go to "Warner Bros on Ice" on Christmas Day? no!
21. Favorite Fast Food: chocolate
24. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email? Funny as poop Alisa
26. What do you do most often when you are bored: Ask amber to change song.
29. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond: I don’t want anyone to feel awkward. Let's just say, there's a 50% chance karisa/50%clara
31. Favorite TV shows: A.D., OC, Conan, ANTM, Will & Hag
33. Your car: New York=New car: Silver Bullet i pay to have schaeffer me+ my closet 1000 friends, who all chip in to pay for the ride. some of them even sleep in it.
46: 2nd Career your sister would secretly love to pursue: pole dancer, go-go dancer(amber). Alisa: she already gots a 2nd,&3rd,&4th...she just calls them "hobbies"
47: Secret talent your sister has: counts like Rainman, does %s in her head faster than anyone.
48. Best use of breaking the sabbath: FF [note: author is referring to a band]
or ritz carlton brunch- either one,
both equally satiating,
with opposite effects on the waistline.



This isn't even the half of it . . . Oh yeah, there's more to come.